Do People See You the Way You Think They See You?

I think there might be a slight discrepancy in the way I think people see me--and the way they actually do.

Here's how I want people to see me: Witty, nice, outgoing, reliable, nice, compassionate, stylish, nice, clean, organized, nice. 

Reality is, however, I'm not exactly all of these things. Sometimes I fake it--because I want to perceive me a certain way. Like being outgoing. I'm not. Like most people, I prefer to sit on my couch and wait for everyone to come to me, include me. I learned a few years ago, though, that everyone else is waiting for the same thing. So I decided to be the outgoing one. I'm the one sitting by strangers, making phone calls, commenting on everyone's Facebook post. I hope people think I'm outgoing, because I'm trying really hard to appear that way.

Other times, I try to be a certain way, but people see something else. For example, witty. I think I'm funny. I crack jokes, I make people laugh, I'm very sarcastic. But do other people really see me this way? Sometimes, after I've been somewhere, making people laugh, I get home and panic seizes me: Did I cross the line? Did I offend anyone? Did I make fun of anyone on accident? Did I look like a total attention-hog?

I hope that people know they can rely on me. I want to be that person that gets called whenever there's a need, a crisis, a new baby, a sick friend.

And some of these things I simply want to be. Like organized. If I clean my house enough, put things away enough, perhaps it will become second nature. Perhaps one day I will even enjoy it.

Here's the real me, the one I hope nobody really sees: self-conscious, sarcastic, insecure, desperate for friends, messy. And there are good things, too. I really am nice.